BREAKING: Local man purchases shirt. No further updates. - Economy: One shirt sold. Market cautiously optimistic. - Captain beans speaks: "I didn't expect it to go this far." - Local man arrested: Turns out he just really wanted the last medium. - Official report: Shirt deemed 'surprisingly effective' at avoiding small talk. - Developing: More people buying shirts. Experts unsure why.  

Official Merch of an Underfunded Empire

We make shirts. Sometimes on purpose. Always with Beans.

"None of Them Are Good” – Official Beans Dinkleberry Tee

Regular price $34.00
Unit price per

Semi-happy customers

  • ★★★★
    The shirt fits. Emotionally.
    Gavin R.
  • ★★★★
    Arrived on time. Unlike my dad.
    Kaitlyn
  • ★★★★
    Wore it to court. Judge nodded.
    Daryl
  • ★★★★
    Co-worker asked what it meant. I said "same."
    Tina
  • ★★★★
    Finally, a shirt that matches the energy of my group chat.
    Georgia
  • ★★★★
    A quote from a customer or staff member can help show off your products' unique selling points.
    Neil T.
  • ★★★★
    10/10 would panic-purchase again.
    Brittany M.
  • ★★★★
    Wore it to my performance review. Nobody laughed.
    Todd E.

We Only Email When it Feels Vaguely Necessary

No weekly grind. No algorithm. Just the occasional memo when someone at Pick n Beans HQ accidentally creates something funny enough to warrant a group email.